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sluttiness (mom, don't read this one ;) )

i am active on only one lifestyle related list, women as property of men @ yahoogroups. i like this list. we've been discussing the term "slut" for a few days now. this lead to a discussion of women sleeping with several men. or dominants having their submissives have sex with several men.....
i am not a slut. i have, at times, aspired to be. i have been envious of women who can have casual sex. i've longed to have a one night stand, never trading phone numbers or even sharing names. but, it isn't me.
i had this discussion with a couple of friends a few months ago. we compared the numbers of our sexual exploitations. while my friends were past all fingers and toes, i was still on both hands. it isn't that i am stuck in societal mores that a woman shouldn't sleep around. in fact, i was determined to turn over a new leaf...to start the new year with a resolution to count past my toes.
here it is, august and i am still wearing my shoes when i count.
it isn't that i have lack of opportunity either. i could have a fuck buddy or two if i extended the invitation.
what is it, then?
i don't even play casually. i like to have a small handful of selected play partners. this, i understand. i don't play casually because i don't play lightly. i don't even care for the term "play" at all. if i am to get anything out of it, it has to be serious. i have to feel...to know...i am controlled. i don't want to play with safewords and i don't give a damn about the SSC cliché. safe is boring. sane is a matter of personal perspective. and consensuality ruins the moment for me. and respecting limits? blah...i want mine pushed. i need mine crossed. i just don't see a point if he is there to make me happy.
maybe it is the same way with sex. i can't have a mental connection with a one night stand. it takes time to crawl into each other's minds and play around a bit in there, taking in the scenery, before a connection is made. there isn't anything casual about a good mind fuck. and if you can't give me a good mind fuck, you aren't about to fuck my body. please don't get me wrong. i love sex. the fact that i have lived now for quite a long time without it irritates me. when i do find the right partner, i am the energizer bunny turned mad nymph.
then there was the typical conversation that followed....the difference in being a slut for one person and being a slut for all, and the effect of the word. in high school, sluts were the bad girls. the girls who slept with the football team and the english teachers. they were loose. they were easy. they wore their skirts too short and too much makeup. and no one liked them. yet, a boy who slept with all the cheerleaders and the english teacher was cool. he was "all that and a bag of chips" as my kids say. double standards. secretly i envied these girls. there was a line between being a virgin and being a slut and you had to be somewhere in the middle. you were teased if you were a virgin and you were an outcast if you were a slut.
the ethical slut told us that it is ok to sleep around. sure. having more than one sex partner isn't a problem for me, but i can't even find that one who can stimulate my mind before my clit. i've no doubt i could be a shameless slut for one person.....even for others if that were his wish. but, on my own? guess not.
maybe i am a sexual snob?

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(Deleted comment)
melissamuse
Aug. 29th, 2003 02:19 pm (UTC)
Re: Count another snob here... ;)
i used to have difficulty with my sexuality and my religion, particularly as related to my particular sexual practices and my past relationships. with a lot of reading and questioning, i have come to comfortable terms with it. that said, my feelings are this....
the precept regarding sexuality is to refrain from sexual misconduct. as long as sex is not harming (nonconsensually, of course) anyone, i see no negativity with it. attachment is a different thing. if one is obsessed with sex, that is attachment. remember that craving is what creates attachment. therefore it isn't sex itself that is negative, but the craving, or desire, for sex. as a lay person, sex is healthy. even the tantric practices use sex to create a higher level of awareness, symbolizing compassion and wisdom.
having sex can lead to desiring more sex, producing attachment... i don't think that attachment equals negative karma, but it does equal something which one must overcome. on the other hand, not having sex leads to desire too!! (sheesh, i need to go meditate on this!) buddha taught the middle way and the same applies to sex. there is a middle way between desire and excessive desire :)
as long as sex is not used in a negative way, such as manipulation or deceit, it can be beneficial. within a relationship, sex is part of caring, compassion, respect and trust.
sex is natural, but, like everything else, it is impermanent and one should not be attached to it.

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melissamuse
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wandering does not make you a "gypsy."
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