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busy weekend. but a fun one. i made an effort and actually attended a 4th of july thingie. i think i did ok considering i spent the better part of the night before and the morning having anxiety attacks over it. the 4th was 11 months to the day that Chris died. it seems i've avoided social situations since, but i think i am getting better. it has been a real struggle to do anything outside of work.
before Chris (BC?), i was always the social butterfly, fluttering from event to event, always laughing, smiling and having a grand ol' time. since, i just don't do social situations well at all. within an hour i am depressed and missing him terribly....yet it is still blanketed by a bitter anger. and we know the cycle... i get angry with him for leaving me and then angry with myself for being angry with him and angrier for being unable to control my emotions. eric thinks i need counseling....to at least talk to someone. thanks, Chris, for the baggage.
i came home and spent the rest of the weekend on the couch. i'm grateful for briarroseno who came over saturday and stayed all night, keeping my depressed mind a little intoxicated and active.
it is morbid, but when i close my eyes these days i just see flashes of our argument, all the blood on the hardwood floor and an urn of ashes. how very quickly all that we think we have in life can be snatched away leaving broken pieces of us. maybe we wouldn't even still be together today..... maybe he would have done it eventually. we could have had another argument later. maybe he would have taken me with him.
a year is getting closer.... i should be moving on with my life. i should at least be having sex. at least dating. guess i am still trying to follow that textbook grieving process. i've hit all the stages...more than once. i am just tired of revisiting them. i think now is difficult too ... if his next life is as a human, his rebirth is anytime now. i like to think all my bardo prayers at least led him to a human life.
this week will be better....back to work and a busy week ahead. as long as i keep working i don't have time to think.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
doudance
Jul. 7th, 2003 10:21 am (UTC)
not sure what i intended to say now that i am here...but i think you are a very special person and i see a lot of sadness in you...sadness that i see in myself very often. Not the same exact kind of hurt, but i have been there with the loss...the loss of someone you love under any circumstances is always hard to take...under those particular ones even harder. A very simular thing happened to one of my best friends and it took a long time to heal...but he did. It seems as though my life has been filled with suididal (several that are gone now) people...god knows i have been one of them. I don't understand why, but from my own point of view, its not because of what happens in our lives at times...its from what happens inside and not being able to deal with the deep sadness we carry with us. I don't know what triggers it...what gives us the "balls" so to speak to do it or the strength not too. But i wanted you to know that i think you are wonderful and if you ever need anything i am here for you also...talk, hangout, or just silence...
melissamuse
Jul. 14th, 2003 04:21 pm (UTC)
thank you, very much :)
mysticknyght
Jul. 7th, 2003 10:37 am (UTC)
some passings take more time to get over than others, don't try to put a time limit on grief.

But don't stay on the couch forever, either :-)

*h*

melissamuse
Jul. 14th, 2003 06:53 am (UTC)
i'd have never gotten through this if it were not for my friends. coming up on a year is like a wave of grief all over again. i hope this is not to revisit me each year. all i know is that it hurts, terribly, deeply. and i am ever so tired of hurting. yet, i hate to complain....to whine. but my journal (and our old ourjourneys) is my only outlet. other than those who read here, i think no one would have a clue how emotionally unstable i am these days! they see the always smiling, happy, easy going maia....
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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don't fear death
melissamuse
melissa muses (or maia, you choose)

Roma

wandering does not make you a "gypsy."
why would you call yourself
after those who have no home?
long skirts and hoop earrings
do not make you a "gypsy."
why do you call yourself after
those who have no clothes?

"gypsy" is pejorative. please don't perpetuate the stereotype. educate yourself on what it really means to be a "gypsy" in this world.

Who are the Roma?

Decade of Roma Inclusion

Dženo Association

European Roma Rights Centre

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Soros Roma Initiatives

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