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and then....

(those of you looking here for kinky, sexual escapades move along please...i know it is a BDSM blogger, but it is my blogger so i can use it as i want. and i am having a very bad night. some people tell their troubles to a shrink...i tell the world.)
unattainable...untouchable...cruel...distant...lives in a bubble...has a wall...unreachable...stubborn...turtle...
ok, i am not finished ranting and getting this all out to friends who already think i am insane and strangers who could care less. these are all words that paint me..or so i have been told. (really, there are some good words too and maybe i will share them on a good night...or maybe someone will even comment here to prove it!)
"a witch who keeps men's souls in a jar on her window sill". that bit more than anything anyone has ever told me. the man who told me this meant it to - a wounded tiger bites when you are trying to set it free.
only once was there a man who told me all the opposite...that i was warm and loving and had a true heart. he was the one that told me when we first met that i live in a bubble. but he got through it and came inside and the bubble closed around us. could this be a once in a lifetime thing? i know when he left the bubble it felt lonely in here and i so wanted to open it to someone else. opportunity has come....and gone...and come again...and gone. and i haven't been able to close it around someone else. maybe i never will... when does the time come when one should stop placing personal ads, stop hoping, stop longing and give? how many years? how many souls in her jar?
i should make clear that i never intentionally hurt anyone... i am honest about my inability to return what is given to me. i am honest about my fear of commitment. and it isn't because i have been hurt in the past... that is too easy and typical a diagnosis for me. i feel a twinge of emotion, the tiniest doubt, and i run for the hills. i've read about people like me. she is usually the woman at the close of the story living in a big, old house at the end of the block with 100 cats. the one that all the kids in the neighborhood make fun of, yet are terrified of.
so, i don't use people (and i know the difference, i know women who do and i despise it). i am up front. maybe it frightens away the right one. i tell him how i feel...or how i don't feel...or how i may not be able to feel and it just is not worth the risk. and maybe it is just those reasons which make them stick around and get hurt. i am a challenge. stick around long enough and they think they just may break the bubble...and when they don't...lash out and cut with words. no matter that i warned them from the start.
maybe the right person just hasn't surfaced. i keep thinking he will show up like my black knight on an oiled steed, singletail in one hand and a bunch of daisies in the other, and sweep me away...come inside my bubble, close it around us and never leave. i let no one else in because i save that place for him...
i travel now... travel the world like a lost gypsy. i've told myself i will throw out my backpack when he comes along. when i know he is the one. i will turn in my swiss army knife, my passport and even my favorite hemp hiking boots. i will give him my fears, my soul and my surrender. i will give him my heart. and i will know it is in safe keeping when i hold his against my cheek. and it will be the last time i give...
and i so want to...

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don't fear death
melissamuse
melissa muses (or maia, you choose)

Roma

wandering does not make you a "gypsy."
why would you call yourself
after those who have no home?
long skirts and hoop earrings
do not make you a "gypsy."
why do you call yourself after
those who have no clothes?

"gypsy" is pejorative. please don't perpetuate the stereotype. educate yourself on what it really means to be a "gypsy" in this world.

Who are the Roma?

Decade of Roma Inclusion

Dženo Association

European Roma Rights Centre

Roma Balkans

Roma National Congress

Romani World

Rombase

Rroma

Rroma Media Network

Soros Roma Initiatives

Studii Romani

The European Union and Roma

The Patrin Webjournal: Romani Culture and History

Voice of Roma
World Bank Roma Initiatives

Have a Happy Day! :)

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