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randomness

life is so incredibly random.... there is some force working to always keep us dancing and kicking on our toes, shadowboxing. i am sure of this. just when you think things are calming and you can breathe, something knocks you down and takes your breath away. and...oh, how you want to breathe again and stand up... and dust yourself off and smile. and, oh, what energy that takes! if it teaches us anything - never be comfortable in your own skin...and never relax under anyone else's.
people are such complicated creatures... we turn on a dime, we protect ourselves, we put our shields down, we pull our swords, we scream and laugh and cry all at the same time. can two people ever really know each other? do we change daily? monthly? annualy? when we hit those big age humps? or what? do good people ever intentionally hurt other people? can cruel people fall in love? could Freud have answered this? (no, i am not on drugs...i am just rambling...). i don't mean to hurt people. i don't mean to be sarcastic and cruel or to bite. i am just who i am. some things have been said to me by some people in just the last week alone that should enlighten me. my best friend said i am cruel....(yes, i know you revised it to be self-protective), another friend i admire told me i couldn't hold a raindrop...(ouch, i am sure she didn't know it hurt)...and still another told me tonight that i undercut his "baby trust" in me. what the hell does that mean? and this after a night of having a wonderful time with him...laughing and joking and sharing easy, light, open hours. what am i just not getting? is it time to call off the search and call out the dogs?
cruel...raindrops...trust...
i am an incredibly open person, brutally (cruelly maybe?) honest and i all too often say exactly what is on my mind without considering the consequences. perhaps this is a great fault. but consider the alternative.... not being open, not being honest... isn't this more cruel?
sighs...
maia

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
May. 6th, 2002 06:25 am (UTC)
Yes, a small comment. We tend to think of life in terms of alternatives -- partly because it's easier to hold just two possibilities in our heads. Is being closed the only possibility, other than being entirely open without regard for consequences? How about being open *with* regard to consequences, being open in a gentler way, being open in a responsive way, even though commitment itself may not be a possibility for you? I'll bet you do this already -- I know you do.

There is no doubt that many hold out love and commitment expecting, if not demanding, the same. Yet there are those who do not; they simply love (perhaps without regard for the consequences) for so long as they can because it feels good to love. If some comes sailing back, perhaps they see that as a bonus coupon, a Blue Light Special in life.

What was the saying we had in the 70s: Love all you can from wherever you are? And, we might have added, if something appears in return, that would be wonderful. If not, nothing is lost unless we believe that our love is, itself, nothing...

Thomaias
melissamuse
May. 17th, 2002 08:29 am (UTC)
hmmmmmm
this brings up an interesting question....
but first i think i am pretty gentle with my truths. you said that you know i do this already.... but i am lost on the advice?
my question is about those who love and commit without expecting the same. you say they love for as long as they can. what does this mean? "as long as they can"? perhaps they can only love and commit without it returned for so long?
i think it is like loving unconditionally... we want to say it exists, and that we can love this way... but i don't think so.
yet i, obviously, am no expert on love!
just a wondering....

maia
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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