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party.....aches

i did ok for the first half hour or so, hanging out in the social area. then i went into the dungeon area. i managed to sit in there for about 5 minutes without losing it. my mind was replaying that last night. the horse on which we played. the corner where he had me kneeling face down for a while and then later grabbed my hair and pulled me across the floor. the stage where he had me in a cage for a while.... seeing him standing by the wall with MS, that incredibly proud, loving look on his face. the way he strutted around that room like a proud peacock.
i almost hate that i relate the playspace (which is new....we went together to only the second party in that space) with him. MS made sure the cage i was in disappeared and i love him for that. but there is this ghost of him wandering around in there...the ghost in my mind. haunting memories.
the second time i tried to sit in the dungeon area the tears were slow but wouldn't stop. i broke and had to go outside. shortly after i had to leave.
i am sure it will get easier.....time, time, proverbial fucking time.
i drove around, alone...for hours last night before coming home. this time i didn't torture myself and avoided going by our favorite place along the river where you can see the cityscape. i will never forget him pointing to the lit buildings while we were on the ferry and telling me how there is a story behind every window. and i didn't drive by his house or any of the other places we went together. i just drove. and i cried. and i drove. and i missed him.
but i am so angry right now. not with him.....i can't be...i still know it was not his fault that he made that fatal decision to take his own life. he was sick. but i am angry with the whole situation. he blew away, literally, all my dreams, hopes and my heart and left me standing, alone, among all the shattered pieces.
ok, maybe i am a little angry with him too. and that upsets me. i don't like to be angry....
thank you, everyone who was there for me last night. i love you all.

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Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
tenor1
Oct. 6th, 2002 10:03 am (UTC)
When is the past not the past
I think you are still trying to run before you can walk, I know you are trying hard to live a normal life again, but going back to a place where you had such strong emotions will only bring those back. It is not surprising you had to leave.
Not until you can release Him and understand that whilst He will always be part of you, you must now let him go. He is no longer part of your life, and you must go on and find another Master, or mate. make a life for yourself that does not include Him.

I am sure I am telling you what you already know, but I think it needs to be said again.

MC
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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don't fear death
melissamuse
melissa muses (or maia, you choose)

Roma

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why would you call yourself
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