March 24th, 2008

strange truth

(no subject)

easter at my mom's started off delightfully well. the whole family was there. we haven't all been together since xmas. yummy vegan food prepared by my mom and brought by my grandparents. lots of laughter and sharing memories. my mom, a glass of wine in her hand, was a bit tipsy when i got there. i get quite nervous these days when my mom is drinking because conversation ultimately turns to my sister and then how and why i could have testified at the grand jury and become a main witness for the prosecution. for those of you following, you know i eventually did not testify against her, but instead went to jail for five days on a material witness warrant. in the end, i decided i didn't want to hurt my mother so i avoided testifying, which resulted in a lot of unwelcome drama in my life. apparently this went unappreciated because she continues to criticize me for having gone to the grand jury. it is beyond her comprehension that a subpoena is a serious thing. my sister was convicted without my testimony in her trial and i am quite certain she would have been indicted even if i had not been at the grand jury. and it started after everyone left. she told me that 48 Hours would be in town next week to do a follow-up of the two hour special they did week before last. would i talk to them? i've told her again and again that i will not ever speak to the press. so i told her again. i adamantly repeated that i didn't want to talk about it when she kept asking what i thought about my sister in prison. she pushed and pushed until it reached a point that i told her everything i thought and knew. and then i told her i was done and, for the first time in my life, i got up and walked out of my mother's house without even so much as a goodbye. she left me a voicemail this morning. apologized, said she loved me, and, in the very next breath, started on me again about how i could have talked to the police ten years ago and testified at the grand jury. last year i was so torn between doing what i thought was right and what was best for my family. i chose the latter and paid a miserable price for it. i don't see any difference in the result for my family if i had chosen the former. you know what is ironic.... it is the very sense of what is right and wrong that was instilled in me by my parents that led to my involvement in this. if my father were still alive, i know he would support my decisions. as a mother though, i know i would stand behind my son through thick and thin. on the flip side, if i had two children i am fairly certain i would find some way to support them both. chastised by my mother and criticized by the public in the judgmental comments to news articles, i sometimes feel i am the guilty one. it is so frustrating......
she will be sentenced friday and i am sure, regardless of the outcome, i will bear the blame from my mother for what happens to her. this morning i emailed my mother and shared with her a painful decision i've made. i told her not to contact me until she could find a way to support both her daughters.