June 2nd, 2007

don't fear death

(no subject)

i think i've had the flu. or some nasty bugs holding an orgy in my my body. it hit like a truck tuesday morning...really sudden (what does that?). i ached from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes...every muscle, every joint. fever and all. my fingers even hurt. couldn't even keep water in my poor tummy. i am better today. better than yesterday anyway. it took everything i had (which wasn't much) to drag myself out of bed and on to the metro yesterday to write my second to last exam. i got a B. i don't even remember the questions...or the answers! if i had to get sick, it should have been next week....no classes. all done. until my last exam on friday.
i don't get sick often at all. that was fucking miserable. my fever broke at some point last night and i hope it is over. fever is funny....rather, how people deal with it is funny. our body has one pretty good way of fighting little creatures that make our bodies their homes - fever. and what do we do? we take something to make the fever go away. most bacteria don't like heat, so our hypothalamus tells our body to raise the temp...sort of smoke them out. unless it gets terribly high, fever is a good thing. it tells us to rest and let the body do its thing. i did. i hope it is over. but i am going to stick around my little bed this weekend just to be sure. rest, drink juice and watch movies.

by the way, happy hurricane season, folks.....

i have wrestled with my demons and woke up with only me

something feels odd tonight... maybe it is just recovering from being sick.... but i feel low. i had a message, out of the blue, a few days ago from a man i was seeing about a year after chris died. we talked a bit tonight too. i couldn't remember exactly what happened..what went wrong...except that i remembered he was the only man who left me. just walked out the door and didn't look back. i spent some time going back in my journal to find out why.... to see what i had done. i found the entry...my own typical self destruction. so, there is living memory in journaling. i remember the night well now. he was stirring feelings inside me. i needed a shock of reality so i opened my chris box. i took it out from under my bed and i touched all of our memories. i read his obituary. i remembered what i first saw through that window. i remembered the pain in my heart and the guilt flooded in, drowning anything i was beginning to feel.

i am looking back on this crooked and dark path of my life.... the path i hoped would lead to happiness and i see one destruction after another. not just after chris, but before too. i totally and fully intentionally sabotaged my relationship with ben because i wanted it to end. i wanted more and i knew i couldn't... shouldn't...have it with him. i picked a fight and i did it in such a way that i knew he would want to leave me. and he did. and i loved ben....in my own way, i really did. a part of me still does. it has been years and i still can't apologize for what i did. he won't speak to me. he said it is too painful to talk to me. he said the best gift, sometimes, one can give another is just to let him be.

i also spent some time today talking with an old friend. the only person who knows me better than i know myself. there is some history there as well. but it wasn't entirely my fault that time. my walls hit his walls. and neither would crumble or give way. there is a dynamic in physics when two atoms collide and form a quasimolecule - it gets all excited and distorted. it takes place especially between trapped atoms. it is called a cold collision. that was us.

these aren't revelations that have come to me tonight. they have creeped in over the last few months. i don't regret the destruction....not much. i seek only now to learn from it. to stop it.

habits are creatures that live within us of which we aren't always aware. they gnaw quietly at our ways. how do we become aware? does it take a special person, an event, a place to hold a mirror to our souls against the sun and reflect the darkness? i've always thought it was about patience. that i just needed longer than most to open up those places inside me no man has ever been. or maybe i thought someone would come along and when he smiled the key to me would fall from his lips. he would touch me and the ice would melt..... i know i am warm inside. i don't doubt that i have love to give...a fierce, uncompromising, unconditional and binding love. whispers of forever. i will not believe that chris was the only one in my life to find it. it can't be. life just can't be that cruel.

sometimes i think i feel it....trying desperately to come to the surface. quiet moments - perfect moments - in someone's arms. but then the silence is broken and the darkness falls again like heavy victorian drapery in a old empty house wrapped in webs and dust.

so...i place personal ads and i search for the one with the key. i go through the sweet process of getting to know someone and being as honest about me as i can possibly be. i don't hide in my own shadows. i don't promises daisies. i promise the only thing i know how to promise - this very moment.

but, what the fuck i am doing? drawing in another soul? i don't want to i don't mean to. i want to soar to those places in poetry and lyric. i wonder if, perhaps, there are some people born with clipped wings.

tonight i feel lonely.

i've disabled comments on this entry. this is my virtual vent..... my own rather public way of confronting myself.