May 5th, 2007

hands

(no subject)

i still feel nervous and insecure..... Mr. French Man is on his way.... i didn't sleep much last night, tossed and turned a lot. i love how he text messages me often now when we are running about doing daily things. his last text message to me told me to trust my heart....
i dreamt i went to chris' grave (which is odd because he doesn't have one, his ashes were scattered in la paz). i had a garden spade in my hand and i was naked. i knelt on the ground....the wind kept blowing my hair in my face... and i dug. somewhere deep in the dirt was my heart. i was muddy, but it wasn't raining...just so much wind. i found my heart. bloody and beating, i put it in a basket woven with bright orange daisies that had two and three flowers to each stem.... i heard someone coming and was frightened, so i ran and ran.... ending up on the tram in the center of prague... still muddy and naked. everyone was staring at me. it was very odd. i've never put much faith in dreams...chemical, electrical impulses. but if that one doesn't speak of my subconscious, i don't know what will.
so, in a few hours, i am going to trust my heart and i am going to go to that airport against all arguments of my mind. if the chemistry is there, i am going to let it flow. if it isn't, and i am disappointed, at least i know i can feel alive again.
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