September 10th, 2003

don't fear death

(no subject)

classes have started again. this time i am determined not to fall behind. this semester is buddhist psychology and epistemology. my first essay question is how much of what you consider your "world" is mind-created? Give examples of what is and what is not a creation of your mind, especially in relation to
supposed external objects. of course, i've been thinking.......
how much of our world is not mind created?
one of my tibetan students very often said that the mind is like a drunken monkey. it is a common buddhist thought, but it was the first time i heard it spoken and it stuck in my drunken monkey mind.
in the bhagavad gita, krishna said "The mind is restless and difficult to control; but through practice and dispassion (renunciation) it can be conquered." the hindus take it a step further by comparing the mind as a drunken monkey stung by a scorpion. mine is that same monkey, stung by a scorpion and stuck on a trampoline.
i suffer terribly from drunken monkey mind. i struggle to quiet my mind. yes, i meditate. i have for years. but i can't say the monkey sobers up when i do. i am not a focused person. when i work i have more things going on at one time than i can count. my laptop always has at least five windows open, all active at the same time. i don't like to watch movies without commercials because the commercials give me a chance to hop up and do something in between the film. i've been called a ferret on speed. what do you get when you cross a drunken monkey and a ferret on speed?
when i go to sleep at night, it usually isn't until i am so exhausted that i cannot think connected thoughts anymore. and when i begin to drift to the only place in my life that is quiet, that monkey does somersaults in my gray mater. when was that proposal due? what will i do this weekend? did i set the espresso machine? are there dishes in the sink? where is the cat? is it raining? did i answer my emails?

i've been meaning to go to the zen temple for a retreat weekend of silent meditation, sort of a monkey betty ford. but the dates keep passing me by. the monkey is too drunk to drive....
don't fear death

(no subject)

it is always pleasant to walk outside work and be told "fuck you" by a 12 year old.
sometimes i have to remind myself how much i love my job.
today is a bad day.
more later.................