August 29th, 2003

don't fear death

sluttiness (mom, don't read this one ;) )

i am active on only one lifestyle related list, women as property of men @ yahoogroups. i like this list. we've been discussing the term "slut" for a few days now. this lead to a discussion of women sleeping with several men. or dominants having their submissives have sex with several men.....
i am not a slut. i have, at times, aspired to be. i have been envious of women who can have casual sex. i've longed to have a one night stand, never trading phone numbers or even sharing names. but, it isn't me.
i had this discussion with a couple of friends a few months ago. we compared the numbers of our sexual exploitations. while my friends were past all fingers and toes, i was still on both hands. it isn't that i am stuck in societal mores that a woman shouldn't sleep around. in fact, i was determined to turn over a new start the new year with a resolution to count past my toes.
here it is, august and i am still wearing my shoes when i count.
it isn't that i have lack of opportunity either. i could have a fuck buddy or two if i extended the invitation.
what is it, then?
i don't even play casually. i like to have a small handful of selected play partners. this, i understand. i don't play casually because i don't play lightly. i don't even care for the term "play" at all. if i am to get anything out of it, it has to be serious. i have to know...i am controlled. i don't want to play with safewords and i don't give a damn about the SSC cliché. safe is boring. sane is a matter of personal perspective. and consensuality ruins the moment for me. and respecting limits? blah...i want mine pushed. i need mine crossed. i just don't see a point if he is there to make me happy.
maybe it is the same way with sex. i can't have a mental connection with a one night stand. it takes time to crawl into each other's minds and play around a bit in there, taking in the scenery, before a connection is made. there isn't anything casual about a good mind fuck. and if you can't give me a good mind fuck, you aren't about to fuck my body. please don't get me wrong. i love sex. the fact that i have lived now for quite a long time without it irritates me. when i do find the right partner, i am the energizer bunny turned mad nymph.
then there was the typical conversation that followed....the difference in being a slut for one person and being a slut for all, and the effect of the word. in high school, sluts were the bad girls. the girls who slept with the football team and the english teachers. they were loose. they were easy. they wore their skirts too short and too much makeup. and no one liked them. yet, a boy who slept with all the cheerleaders and the english teacher was cool. he was "all that and a bag of chips" as my kids say. double standards. secretly i envied these girls. there was a line between being a virgin and being a slut and you had to be somewhere in the middle. you were teased if you were a virgin and you were an outcast if you were a slut.
the ethical slut told us that it is ok to sleep around. sure. having more than one sex partner isn't a problem for me, but i can't even find that one who can stimulate my mind before my clit. i've no doubt i could be a shameless slut for one person.....even for others if that were his wish. but, on my own? guess not.
maybe i am a sexual snob?
don't fear death

friday five

1. Are you going to school this year?
still......working on my geshe degree

2. If yes, where are you going (high school, college, etc.)? If no, when did you graduate?
correspondence through the asian classics institute in NY and jamyang in london.
i went to high school in father did not think the louisiana school systems to be a place for his daughter
i went to college at SLU...slow learner's U

3. What are/were your favorite school subjects?
were: english and anything liberal arts
are: tibetan philosophy, buddhist psychology

4. What are/were your least favorite school subjects?
are and were: anything involving numbers

5. Have you ever had a favorite teacher? Why was he/she a favorite?
yes. an english teacher during my sophomore year in college. she caught me writing term papers for other people (that is how i paid my way through college). she could have had me expelled. instead she told me that if i changed my major to english and wrote more (legitimately) and promised never to write a paper for one of her students, she would forget about it. i changed my major that day.
don't fear death


Monumental efforts toward advancing yourself business wise could finally pay off today, MAIA, probably in the form of an increase in income. You could also receive a lot of acknowledgment of tremendous efforts, which you have made in the past, as well as a lot of congratulations. Your ego definitely receives a boost, but probably you regard this is only another milestone along your path, and have already set your sights on another one. Onward and upward

figures since i took the day off!