July 23rd, 2003

don't fear death

(no subject)

I held a jewel in my fingers
And went to sleep
The day was warm, and winds were prosy
I said, 'Twill keep'

I woke--and child my honest fingers,
The Gem was gone
And now, an Amethyst remembrance
Is all I own.

"I Held A Jewel" by Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)
don't fear death

(no subject)

ok, no more friends only or private posts. i was told last night that part of the healing process is the ability to talk openly. i guess it shouldn't matter if the whole world reads my whining. this is my forum for venting, my only forum. so i've marked my friends only posts public. i'll work on the private ones another time. some things are just meant to be private. ;)
either way, i am feeling better today and not allowing the rain to dampen my spirits. i had a good cry late last night, one of those uncontrollable sobbing spells. i must have needed it because i do feel lighter today. guilt is a nasty thing and i am sure i am feeling more guilt than grief. together they are just, sometimes, indiscernible. the two should never accompany each other...of that, i am convinced.
i am going to go on. i am going to be happy again. he is dead and will have no more control over my life.
it was not my fault. i was just a coincidence in his afflictions.
if he hadn't done it then, he would have done it later.
he will not enervate my strength.

my mantra....


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don't fear death

(no subject)

in keeping with my determination i will not sit home alone on the year anniversary. let's have a boat party! August 3. a celebration of my friends ... opening the door to the light they bring (thank you).... and of moving on.