July 7th, 2003

don't fear death

(no subject)

busy weekend. but a fun one. i made an effort and actually attended a 4th of july thingie. i think i did ok considering i spent the better part of the night before and the morning having anxiety attacks over it. the 4th was 11 months to the day that Chris died. it seems i've avoided social situations since, but i think i am getting better. it has been a real struggle to do anything outside of work.
before Chris (BC?), i was always the social butterfly, fluttering from event to event, always laughing, smiling and having a grand ol' time. since, i just don't do social situations well at all. within an hour i am depressed and missing him terribly....yet it is still blanketed by a bitter anger. and we know the cycle... i get angry with him for leaving me and then angry with myself for being angry with him and angrier for being unable to control my emotions. eric thinks i need counseling....to at least talk to someone. thanks, Chris, for the baggage.
i came home and spent the rest of the weekend on the couch. i'm grateful for briarroseno who came over saturday and stayed all night, keeping my depressed mind a little intoxicated and active.
it is morbid, but when i close my eyes these days i just see flashes of our argument, all the blood on the hardwood floor and an urn of ashes. how very quickly all that we think we have in life can be snatched away leaving broken pieces of us. maybe we wouldn't even still be together today..... maybe he would have done it eventually. we could have had another argument later. maybe he would have taken me with him.
a year is getting closer.... i should be moving on with my life. i should at least be having sex. at least dating. guess i am still trying to follow that textbook grieving process. i've hit all the stages...more than once. i am just tired of revisiting them. i think now is difficult too ... if his next life is as a human, his rebirth is anytime now. i like to think all my bardo prayers at least led him to a human life.
this week will be better....back to work and a busy week ahead. as long as i keep working i don't have time to think.