June 1st, 2003

don't fear death

(no subject)


i must be the most self-destructive person in the world. if i am feeling a bit high emotionally i take the most drastic measures to come down.....fast and hard. i spent part of the evening in a delightful conversation with someone...conversations i have grown to enjoy.
it is the second time i have knocked myself down by thinking about what has happened in the past, and with enough visual effects, to send me scampering for the safety of my shell.
only weeks after i started seeing T, he knew he needed to back off. the words he told me when i did so were enlightening to my fragile state. he knew i wasn't ready. "too easy to fall in love with" he said between goodbyes. it hurt. but i thought there would come a time when i was ready to poke my head out of my turtle world and taste the warm air again.
i can't expect someone to have the patience it could take to coax me out. to deal with my baggage, my fears and my trepidations. funny thing is, those fears have nothing at all to do with my own pain. but, rather, the pain that T must have foreseen when he gave up.... it is a fear of hurting another man in my life.... putting another soul in my jar.
i have steered clear of commitment all my life. only in the last few years have i realized it and tried to understand why. the end of my relationship with Chris released a demon, perhaps one of his very own, that taunts me and says "see.....see what happens....."
i am not sad or depressed.....but i am angry. he couldn't stay with me, yet managed to be sure i can't let go with anyone else. i can't even enjoy the prospect.
yes, i am so very angry. if i could have him back for just 5 minutes, i would surely have a lot to tell him.
so i work and work so that i don't have time to think.....to really feel. and i will end up a sour old spinster floating alone on a boat in the middle of an empty ocean.