January 21st, 2003

don't fear death

(no subject)

i'm not doing a good job keeping up with the journal thing again. i've been a bit down the last few days and spent the weekend playing couch potato with movies and thien. sometimes my life of the past year creeps in and blocks the light of my newly opened windows...those windows of optimism. the shades of death lifted so that my eyes can search for the sun. this weekend i spent in shadow. something happened Thursday night that may have triggered it. i can't say it was totally unrelated to Chris' death, but it isn't something that hadn't happened before him. someone i only very recently started seeing called out the stops. he said it would be "too easy to fall in love" with me. we both knew i wasn't ready. it has only been six months since Chris died and i am still gathering pieces of my heart among the ruins. but it had me thinking.... something good could walk right into my life, take a look at those pieces and spin around as quickly as he came in....
i guess it wouldn't matter. we'd be at different places in our lives. and perhaps it would never have worked anyway. but to happen so quickly?
people move so fast into relationships. i know i did with Chris. would it have mattered if i had taken the time and met his demons? probably not. i was in love and love is blind. i think i am bothered that a man would run from me before he has taken the time to know me at all. it is as if i have warning labels stuck to my forehead.....or maybe some place more subtle.... but there nonetheless. get to know maia a little....see the potential pain she can cause and haul ass if you know what is good for you. maybe that is as it should be.
ya, whatever.... i am going to bed. tomorrow will be a better day.....