December 24th, 2002

don't fear death

home for the holidays

it is good to be home for the holidays this year. i love india and the gaudy holiday decorations, the festivals and the parties. but....there is no place like home for the holidays.
my mom is making gumbo this year..... you don't get that anywhere else.
i'll wear latex on new year's eve.... just try that in india!

i love new year's. it is an excuse and a protocol to start anew. to make resolutions. i've never made them....but this year will be different. 2002 was one of the worst years of my life, while being tinged with the best things that happened to me. i fell in love. i lost it...tragically. now, with a clearer mind i can see that each event is not comparable. they don't even each other out. my loss is over.... yes, it will paint the events of the rest of my life, but not like the love did. i learned a very valuable lesson this year. i learned my heart is not soul is not without the ability to dance and sing. the very fact that Chris left my heart in pain and tears means he left it alive. i will carry Chris' death with me always, but it will fade and live in the past. my ability to love will stay in the forefront. i won't go out looking for it again.... but i am not so sure i will avoid it either.
despite my loss, i have a lot for which to be grateful. i am back in the community i call home. a community full of friends and strangers who had open arms and soft shoulders when i needed it most. there are few things in my life that touched me as much as the concern of complete strangers and the outpouring of sympathy from a community that bonds with more than rope and chain to protect and hold one of its own. there was a time these last few months when i thought i couldn't return.... couldn't face the people, the place, i once shared with Chris. when i finally emerged from my shell, i found that these weren't the same people, the same place, i shared with Chris, but the same people and same place that were there before he was and will continue to be. thank you. thank you for staying with me when the last thing i wanted was anyone around, for being persistent and caring. for holding me as i punched, screamed and pushed you away. for dragging me out of my cave by the hair and for not giving up on me in the way i had given up on me. its been a hell of a year. it can only get better.
so this year i will make resolutions. new ones. (usually i say that i will quit driving green firetrucks on tuesdays or sleeping with elves on sundays). is pretty short, simple and sweet. i will live and i will love. to hell with the risks.

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