October 18th, 2002

don't fear death

shrinking away

do you every have days where you feel so small that you are vanishing into thin air? it is a helpless feeling. all of these events in life happen around you and to you and you have no control over it. and how small we are in the whole scope of things. i remember the first time i felt this. i was standing at the foothills of the himalayas in india and i felt like a little speck. i was a little speck. the second time i felt it was after Chris died. maybe it is because i have always gotten everything i wanted in life and this time i lost it as soon as i had it.
i don't believe in god. i don't believe in fate or destiny. some things are just random, others we can control, others still are direct results of our karma. i am pretty good at controlling my life, for the most part. Chris' death, i believe, was a direct result of my karma. maybe it is the remnants of grief that have me feeling small and helpless. maybe some of it is my work. social service work can do that to you. i work in a bad neighborhood....an area high in youth gang activity and crime. when i leave the office at night, often to the sound of sirens nearby, i am on my toes. part of me is excited to be a part of making a difference in this community, another part of me feels so helpless. i am an idealist. you will never convince me that people with loving and caring can't change the world one unseen, unsung, unrewarded kindness at a time. but, oh, it can be tiring and depressing sometimes!