October 8th, 2002

don't fear death

another day

feeling better today. tomorrow is suicide support group night. woohoo. can't decide if i am going. there must be much better things to do on a Tuesday night.
i got an email from livejournal a couple of days ago that my subscription was almost up. amazing i managed to keep a journal going for a whole year! i wrote them back and asked if they could transfer the payment from OurJourneys to this account because half of that shared journal is no longer with us. they wrote back quickly and transferred it. i like livejournal. we had just paid for that subscription.
i have to go to baton rouge tomorrow and Wednesday for a seminar. i dread the drive. it means i have to get up really early. i am not a morning person. at least not a 6am morning person...yuck.
i'm afraid i have been short and bitter to a couple of men who have emailed me expressing interest in me as a submissive. i did apologize to one. i am feeling a bit like a black widow these days....like i would hurt anyone who came too close. it is funny in a way (well, not really) but i had that feeling way before Chris. my commitment phobia was not induced by my own previous pain, but, rather, the pain i have caused others. i think i've touched on those feelings a time or two here. certain my karmic debt was to fall in love and not have it returned. so i have steered clear of love. i had no idea it would be as bad as this. it isn't so important now, but i do worry i will never again be able to share my heart. it took everything i had to let go with Chris and not run for the hills. some days it takes everything i have to go on without him. i need the guilt to fade. how easy it would be if there was an anti guilt pill. could market the hell out of it to catholics. growing stronger than the guilt of feeling partially responsible for what he did, is the guilt of going on with my life. guilt when i smile and laugh or forget for a while and have a good time. i remember being so upset the first few days after he died to see that life obliviously goes on. people in the streets were smiling and laughing, doing their shopping and going about their lives. i wanted to shout at them. and here i am trying to go on with mine. and feeling guilty for it! damn him.
i just realized one of my favorite black dresses was at his house. i keep meaning to write his mother and ask for it. if it wasn't an expensive chico's travel dress i wouldn't care. but i want it back. i guess i am worried i will seem shallow if i ask for my dress. she lost her son and i want my dress. it goes great with the shoes he bought me.