October 6th, 2002

don't fear death


i did ok for the first half hour or so, hanging out in the social area. then i went into the dungeon area. i managed to sit in there for about 5 minutes without losing it. my mind was replaying that last night. the horse on which we played. the corner where he had me kneeling face down for a while and then later grabbed my hair and pulled me across the floor. the stage where he had me in a cage for a while.... seeing him standing by the wall with MS, that incredibly proud, loving look on his face. the way he strutted around that room like a proud peacock.
i almost hate that i relate the playspace (which is new....we went together to only the second party in that space) with him. MS made sure the cage i was in disappeared and i love him for that. but there is this ghost of him wandering around in there...the ghost in my mind. haunting memories.
the second time i tried to sit in the dungeon area the tears were slow but wouldn't stop. i broke and had to go outside. shortly after i had to leave.
i am sure it will get easier.....time, time, proverbial fucking time.
i drove around, alone...for hours last night before coming home. this time i didn't torture myself and avoided going by our favorite place along the river where you can see the cityscape. i will never forget him pointing to the lit buildings while we were on the ferry and telling me how there is a story behind every window. and i didn't drive by his house or any of the other places we went together. i just drove. and i cried. and i drove. and i missed him.
but i am so angry right now. not with him.....i can't be...i still know it was not his fault that he made that fatal decision to take his own life. he was sick. but i am angry with the whole situation. he blew away, literally, all my dreams, hopes and my heart and left me standing, alone, among all the shattered pieces.
ok, maybe i am a little angry with him too. and that upsets me. i don't like to be angry....
thank you, everyone who was there for me last night. i love you all.