September 17th, 2002

don't fear death

shrunken heads

so i went to the shrink today... and, as i thought, i am dealing...i am coping. i am ok. i told him i was angry because i can't control my emotions (ya, i am a control freak) and that i want my life back....i want to be in control of me again. i don't think he was quite ready to hear about my kinks and what really went down that night.... he is young so perhaps he is open minded. maybe next time. but does it really matter? i don't think so.... i think now it is just a matter of joining life again. then there is the guilt of living again while he doesn't. so i am trapped between the guilt of what he did and the guilt of going on without him. yet he left me.
this weekend i am going to put his things in a box and put them away.
then i am going to put us in a box
and put it away.

well, except for his comforter and pillow.

Saturday will be the last day of bardo for him...unless he has already chosen a rebirth. so Saturday should be my rebirth as well.

what will i be? colder and more distant than before? more unattainable than ever?
alone?

i told steve tonight i feel like someone has been dangling a carrot under my nose. "here little bunny you can have this yummy fresh carrot..."
and, just as i reach for it, maybe even get one little bite:
"Oh, no you don't. you can't have this carrot."

carrots...Chris...boats....india projects.... sigh.......

i won't be tempted by carrots anymore..... not this pooka.