September 9th, 2002

don't fear death

(no subject)

i should be able to move should not hurt so much, so long.
he left me. plain and simple. in the most permanent of ways. but he made the choice to leave me. his family calls it an "accident". you don't accidentally pull a trigger with the barrel to your temple. i wonder what those last thoughts were....i always will. had he a clue? did he realize the finality of it? of us? i wasn't returning his calls...but i would have. now i can't. we would have worked it out. he fixed that.
why do we grieve? and mourn? and cry? the person is gone. he is gone. he is not coming back. no more sweet voicemails, no more cute emails. do we grieve for ourselves? for what we lost? is that selfish?
and my guilt? is it because his last words were that he was doing it because i wasn't coming back? i've felt my guilt pulled the trigger as he held the gun....but surely he was holding the gun a long time. out of my sight....i was just the edge. the police said it would have happened eventually....maybe during our next fight. and they said maybe he would have taken me with him. i don't believe that even if at times i wish he had.
don't fear death


i have moved the memorial.....from the main page to here.

only six weeks..... and sundays are still very difficult days.
so is the rest of the week.