September 4th, 2002

don't fear death


i suppose one can expect mood swings while grieving. but it pisses me off. i am not talking about having bad days on and off.....but bad hours. one hour i think i am ok and i am going to go on with my life. the next i am angry at the world and don't want anyone to even look at me. another hour i am curled up under his comforter, want to go to sleep and not wake up, ever.
my mother is still angry with him and thinks i should be too. i can't be. he was sick. it wasn't his fault. but i am ever so angry with me....that i can't get control of my emotions. i try so hard to keep myself busy....because if i don't my mind wanders in the hall of memories. one day that may be a sweet place, but for now it invokes anxiety attacks. i haven't had those since college.