August 14th, 2002

don't fear death

(no subject)

today i am a little angry.....i know it is normal. but i am working on compassion. i didn't say bardo teachings for him today and decided, rather, to let him get through today on his own. i will pay my own karmic debt for that. whatever.
he leaves me to deal with life alone.... to deal with his family... to meet his friends without him. just what the hell was he thinking? guess it didn't cross his mind that someone would go in to clean his house and give to me a basket of his sex life. i wanted the pillow we shared and got all the bedding with sex toys hidden in the folds of the sheets. a bit humiliating. a couple of collars that were not mine. gags that didn't touch my lips. things to toss out...things to maybe keep. i don't know. that basket seems to cheapen what we were.
there are things we were the family won't have in boxes....words we shared, secrets we whispered, dreams we began to weave....laughter in wine glasses, smiles over coffee on lazy Sunday mornings.... passages we shared in books on his shelf they will never know as anything other than pages and bindings....
this was the worst possible way to leave me.....
don't fear death

no more tears

i think i have run out of tears....dried up. i made it through an entire day without breaking down....the healing process, i suppose.
i want to thank everyone for giving me some space....even if i have been a little rude. i just need some time to myself....
the hardest part is how much i miss him.... i have never known such a deep pain and longing.... i have this mix of feeling dead inside and feeling like my heart is going to explode...and i feel so shut down. i don't want to be talked to, be touched or even step outside the door.
i am still not answering emails or the phone.... in time....
i am sleeping on the pillow we shared, wrapped in the comforter from his bed, but it brings me little comfort when i am not under it in his arms. if he knew how much i would miss him he would not have left....
i want to take our pillow, our comforter and our memories to a deserted island where it is always sunset and the only sound is the tide..... and i want to stay there until it doesn't hurt anymore.
i still have my darkened moments.....no worries... when i wrote that i didn't want to die but i did not want to go on living either.... i think i meant it is because i don't feel like i am living, or will again. i didn't mean to scare those of you who worried i would follow him.... but i can't say there are not times when i wish i could. probably a good thing i don't believe, as someone commented here, that we are with our loved ones after death.....
the Tibetan Book of the Dead has been my only constant as i feel i have this last responsibility....duty to him, each day to get him through bardo. there are times when i just want to say "fuck you, find your own way through...you put yourself there." but then i am overwhelmed with love and compassion for him....and a sense of dying devotion.....40 days left.....
amazing that i will spend more time grieving for him.....guiding him....than i did living with him.....