August 8th, 2002

don't fear death

grief

i am coping. that is all i can say these days when people ask how i am doing. i am not ok. i will be, one day. but, for now, i am coping.
i am hurting. i am missing him. he took part of my life with him. not with a bullet as he did his, but by taking me out of his.
my mother is angry that he made a decision that affected both of us without consulting me. but did he? he emailed me with his intentions. i did not respond.
my friends are angry because he hurt me. i have forgiven him. they must too. i don't want them to remember him as someone who hurt me, but someone who gave me much happiness in the time we had together.
i cannot help but play the "what if" and "if only" words. if i had answered his calls or emails...or taken his threat seriously, immediately. i will always carry some of the guilt. part of me thinks he intended me to.
but i think he is sorry. i think he knows how i felt...how i love him and how i miss him. that i would have come back. but he is in a place where you don't get another chance.
he was cremated today. i went to his house to see if the note i left his family was still on the door. i looked in the window. i should not have. i knew there would be blood. there was so much. am i sick to think that if i could have touched it, i would somehow touch him?
the coroner's tape is still on the door. his family will not come until Saturday.
i will go to the memorial service in atlanta Friday. i have been told by more than one friend to be prepared for his family to blame me. i am. we all need to blame someone for terrible things.
the police told me that even if i had gone back in time to save him, it would have happened next time.
i got a tattoo tonight over one of the bruises he left on my ass. it is a black infinity symbol with his initials in red under it. even when the bruise fades, i will never forget where it was just as i will never forget how he touched me inside and out.
i can't eat....i can't sleep. it is the complete reverse reasons of why i couldn't when we first met.
i am grateful to friends and family and even strangers who have offered me comfort and ears.
don't fear death

Shakespeare

LXXXI.

Or I shall live your epitaph to make,
Or you survive when I in earth am rotten;
From hence your memory death cannot take,
Although in me each part will be forgotten.
Your name from hence immortal life shall have,
Though I, once gone, to all the world must die:
The earth can yield me but a common grave,
When you entombed in men's eyes shall lie.
Your monument shall be my gentle verse,
Which eyes not yet created shall o'er-read,
And tongues to be your being shall rehearse
When all the breathers of this world are dead;
You still shall live--such virtue hath my pen--
Where breath most breathes, even in the mouths of men.
don't fear death

causation

Judge your life by what you have caused to happen-the rest is merely circumstance.

my Master always used this tagline in his email.....
ironic, isn't it?
don't fear death

dharma

buddhism teaches us that suicide is an unhealthy death. the condition of the mind during suicide is chaotic, without peace. this condition will only lead to more suffering in the next life. suicide also harms others as well as harming the self. it is a negative act that produces negative karma....very negative karma. negative karma one thousand fold.
Ven. Pende Hawter says:
The state of mind at the time of death is regarded as extremely
important, because this plays a vital part in the situation one is
reborn into. This is one reason why suicide is regarded in Buddhism as
very unfortunate, because the state of mind of the person who commits
suicide is usually depressed and negative and is likely to throw them
into a lower rebirth. Also, it doesn't end the suffering, it just
postpones it to another life.

but how bad is it? we are fortunate to be born as humans. will he be given another chance as a human or born into a lower realm? or worse, suffer in one of the hells for his act?
i don't want him to suffer anymore. i know that all life is suffering. and perhaps we have to keep coming back until we learn how to deal with it....the four noble truths.
today is the fourth day of bardo for him.... today he will awaken. in my heart i am holding his hand....
don't fear death

our journeys

He may have left me.... but i will guide him the only way i know how through the path he must now take.
i've never studied the book of the dead. oh, i have read it...skimmed it, even highlighted here and there, but never studied it as i do now. i am doing puja and taking refuge in the Three Jewels.
i will continue our journey in our journeys blog. we are on separate paths, but still together until the time comes that he must travel on his own....
maia
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    Om Argham
don't fear death

(no subject)

Mild Is The Parting Year
by Walter Savage Landor

Mild is the parting year and sweet
The odour of the falling spray;
Life passes on more rudely fleet,
And balmless is its closing day.

I wait its close, I court its gloom,
But mourn that never must there fall;
Or on my breast or on my tomb
The tear that would have soothed it all.
don't fear death

7/21

You've been gone about an hour or so. I feel absolutly empty. After spending the last 30 hours or so with you, there's an place you should be occupying that I never even knew existed until you weren't there to fill it.

The thought of sleeping in that bed, alone, now is menacing. I'm sleeping on the sofa.

Good night. Tomorrow.

C