August 6th, 2002

don't fear death

journey ends

when i made that last post i had no idea just how vulnerable i really am.
on the afternoon of Sunday, August 4th, my Master made the decision to take his own life.
we had a wonderful day and night together Saturday. we had a small argument in the early hours of Sunday morning and i left. he called and emailed all day asking me to come back. i really did intend to. i love him. i just thought we needed a few hours to calm down and then talk. he didn't wait for me, opting instead to put a bullet in his head.
i miss him. it hurts.
don't fear death

(no subject)

i want to thank everyone for condolences and well wishes. i also want to
thank everyone who was at the party Saturday night for being friendly and
welcoming to Chris. he wasn't quite sure what to expect, not only being from
the outside, but the reaction of those of you who have known me for over
three years and not seen a collar on my neck. he had a wonderful time at the
BBQ and at the party. he told me that night i had made him the happiest and
proudest man on earth.

we had an argument later and i left. as many of you know we played quite
intensely from about 2pm Saturday afternoon until 2am Sunday morning. i am
aware that people who commit acts as tragic and final as this have other
issues and it is natural for me to blame myself for some time. he emailed
and called me all day Sunday, begging me to talk to him and i refused,
thinking we needed a day to calm down. but i also have a sense that a major
"top drop" contributed to his frame of mind. with this said, i just want to
ask people to be aware of mental sets following heavy, intense play. don't
let pride and emotions make you walk away from someone who may need you more
than ever.

i am doing a little better today. i spent most of the night in his car. he loved his car and said he only loved one thing more than his car...me. the coroner has the house sealed and i wanted nothing more than to crawl up in his bed...our bed...to cry my goodbyes. he wouldn't sleep in the bed without me from the first night we spent together in it. i was able to accept some finality each time i looked at the orange tape across the door. strangely, there were print outs of several of my emails scattered throughout his car. i imagine he sat there for some time before making his decision.