April 30th, 2002

don't fear death


life is so incredibly random.... there is some force working to always keep us dancing and kicking on our toes, shadowboxing. i am sure of this. just when you think things are calming and you can breathe, something knocks you down and takes your breath away. and...oh, how you want to breathe again and stand up... and dust yourself off and smile. and, oh, what energy that takes! if it teaches us anything - never be comfortable in your own skin...and never relax under anyone else's.
people are such complicated creatures... we turn on a dime, we protect ourselves, we put our shields down, we pull our swords, we scream and laugh and cry all at the same time. can two people ever really know each other? do we change daily? monthly? annualy? when we hit those big age humps? or what? do good people ever intentionally hurt other people? can cruel people fall in love? could Freud have answered this? (no, i am not on drugs...i am just rambling...). i don't mean to hurt people. i don't mean to be sarcastic and cruel or to bite. i am just who i am. some things have been said to me by some people in just the last week alone that should enlighten me. my best friend said i am cruel....(yes, i know you revised it to be self-protective), another friend i admire told me i couldn't hold a raindrop...(ouch, i am sure she didn't know it hurt)...and still another told me tonight that i undercut his "baby trust" in me. what the hell does that mean? and this after a night of having a wonderful time with him...laughing and joking and sharing easy, light, open hours. what am i just not getting? is it time to call off the search and call out the dogs?
i am an incredibly open person, brutally (cruelly maybe?) honest and i all too often say exactly what is on my mind without considering the consequences. perhaps this is a great fault. but consider the alternative.... not being open, not being honest... isn't this more cruel?
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