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shrunken heads

so i went to the shrink today... and, as i thought, i am dealing...i am coping. i am ok. i told him i was angry because i can't control my emotions (ya, i am a control freak) and that i want my life back....i want to be in control of me again. i don't think he was quite ready to hear about my kinks and what really went down that night.... he is young so perhaps he is open minded. maybe next time. but does it really matter? i don't think so.... i think now it is just a matter of joining life again. then there is the guilt of living again while he doesn't. so i am trapped between the guilt of what he did and the guilt of going on without him. yet he left me.
this weekend i am going to put his things in a box and put them away.
then i am going to put us in a box
and put it away.

well, except for his comforter and pillow.

Saturday will be the last day of bardo for him...unless he has already chosen a rebirth. so Saturday should be my rebirth as well.

what will i be? colder and more distant than before? more unattainable than ever?

i told steve tonight i feel like someone has been dangling a carrot under my nose. "here little bunny you can have this yummy fresh carrot..."
and, just as i reach for it, maybe even get one little bite:
"Oh, no you don't. you can't have this carrot."

carrots...Chris...boats....india projects.... sigh.......

i won't be tempted by carrots anymore..... not this pooka.



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 17th, 2002 08:11 am (UTC)
It sounds as though you are wroking through this although it must seem like it will never end. There is a future and it is rosy

Sep. 17th, 2002 12:57 pm (UTC)
hi, you don't know me. I just thought I would mention that therapists who do not understand bdsm will see it as a sickness in itself. it is really important to see someone who understands what fetishes and bdsm is really all about, just like it's important to go to a gay-friendly shrink if you are gay. otherwise it is often looked at as a sickness or problem, even to this day.

sorry if I intruded.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


don't fear death
melissa muses (or maia, you choose)


wandering does not make you a "gypsy."
why would you call yourself
after those who have no home?
long skirts and hoop earrings
do not make you a "gypsy."
why do you call yourself after
those who have no clothes?

"gypsy" is pejorative. please don't perpetuate the stereotype. educate yourself on what it really means to be a "gypsy" in this world.

Who are the Roma?

Decade of Roma Inclusion

Dženo Association

European Roma Rights Centre

Roma Balkans

Roma National Congress

Romani World



Rroma Media Network

Soros Roma Initiatives

Studii Romani

The European Union and Roma

The Patrin Webjournal: Romani Culture and History

Voice of Roma
World Bank Roma Initiatives

Have a Happy Day! :)

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