when chris and i were together, and i would go home (not very often at all), i was slow to shower.... i didn't want to wash the traces of him away. i wanted to preserve his fingerprints...his lips on my skin...his hands in my hair. his touch was everything to me.... i am sure that is why, just three days after he died, i had his initials and an infinity symbol tattooed over the last bruise he ever left on my skin. i wanted a permanent reminder before the bruise faded. sometimes, still, in bed, late at night, when i am missing his touch, and it hurts....i think i can feel his hand on my hip, resting on his initials. he still lives in those dark places within me.
since...and before chris... when i leave a man the first thing i want to do is shower. with very hot water, i lather up twice, shampoo my hair twice.... i really don't think i ever realized until today that it is a ritual for me. a diametrical ritual. i want to remove every trace...every epithelial cell still on mine...every kiss...every touch. it is how i reclaim my body.
i think it has occurred to me that i don't want love at all. if it weren't teeth, it would be something else. i want control...and surrender. but i want to wash it all away afterwards....