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of love and lovers

when chris and i were together, and i would go home (not very often at all), i was slow to shower.... i didn't want to wash the traces of him away. i wanted to preserve his fingerprints...his lips on my skin...his hands in my hair. his touch was everything to me.... i am sure that is why, just three days after he died, i had his initials and an infinity symbol tattooed over the last bruise he ever left on my skin. i wanted a permanent reminder before the bruise faded. sometimes, still, in bed, late at night, when i am missing his touch, and it hurts....i think i can feel his hand on my hip, resting on his initials. he still lives in those dark places within me.
since...and before chris... when i leave a man the first thing i want to do is shower. with very hot water, i lather up twice, shampoo my hair twice.... i really don't think i ever realized until today that it is a ritual for me. a diametrical ritual. i want to remove every trace...every epithelial cell still on mine...every kiss...every touch. it is how i reclaim my body.
i think it has occurred to me that i don't want love at all. if it weren't teeth, it would be something else. i want control...and surrender. but i want to wash it all away afterwards....


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 27th, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC)
thanks for sharing this; it resonated with me.
May. 28th, 2007 05:43 am (UTC)
welcome... though it was more pecking out what i was feeling than intentional sharing.... i think it was a bit of an epiphany for me. i had a hard time committing to anything before chris (remember all that time in rubicon...), i think he just reinforced that. maybe i just need to quit fighting how i am and live in my own lightness of being. :)
May. 28th, 2007 06:41 am (UTC)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


don't fear death
melissa muses (or maia, you choose)


wandering does not make you a "gypsy."
why would you call yourself
after those who have no home?
long skirts and hoop earrings
do not make you a "gypsy."
why do you call yourself after
those who have no clothes?

"gypsy" is pejorative. please don't perpetuate the stereotype. educate yourself on what it really means to be a "gypsy" in this world.

Who are the Roma?

Decade of Roma Inclusion

Dženo Association

European Roma Rights Centre

Roma Balkans

Roma National Congress

Romani World



Rroma Media Network

Soros Roma Initiatives

Studii Romani

The European Union and Roma

The Patrin Webjournal: Romani Culture and History

Voice of Roma
World Bank Roma Initiatives

Have a Happy Day! :)

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