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Sep. 9th, 2002

i should be able to move on......it should not hurt so much, so long.
he left me. plain and simple. in the most permanent of ways. but he made the choice to leave me. his family calls it an "accident". you don't accidentally pull a trigger with the barrel to your temple. i wonder what those last thoughts were....i always will. had he a clue? did he realize the finality of it? of us? i wasn't returning his calls...but i would have. now i can't. we would have worked it out. he fixed that.
why do we grieve? and mourn? and cry? the person is gone. he is gone. he is not coming back. no more sweet voicemails, no more cute emails. do we grieve for ourselves? for what we lost? is that selfish?
and my guilt? is it because his last words were that he was doing it because i wasn't coming back? i've felt my guilt pulled the trigger as he held the gun....but surely he was holding the gun a long time. out of my sight....i was just the edge. the police said it would have happened eventually....maybe during our next fight. and they said maybe he would have taken me with him. i don't believe that even if at times i wish he had.

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
onesubgal
Sep. 9th, 2002 10:03 pm (UTC)
*hug*

I know how hard it is. The questions....the endless questions you have after. I went through the same thing when my father committed suicide. The same kinds of questions. I think its part of the process. It's part of...coping. Eventually, when the time is right, you will get to that place where you realize those questions will never be answered, you'll get to the place where you accept it in your own time.

I hope I'm not intruding or butting my nose in where it doesn't belong. It's just that your posts touch me because I've been through a similar experience. I mean no harm...I only hope that something I've said will comfort you, or at least let you know that someone does understand.
(Anonymous)
Sep. 10th, 2002 02:27 pm (UTC)
to maia from sab
I am still watching over you my friend. I doubt I will ever stop.
I am glad that you are still here because I love you and you are very special to me.
How I would grieve if you were gone to, words could not say.
~sab
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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don't fear death
melissamuse
melissa muses (or maia, you choose)

Roma

wandering does not make you a "gypsy."
why would you call yourself
after those who have no home?
long skirts and hoop earrings
do not make you a "gypsy."
why do you call yourself after
those who have no clothes?

"gypsy" is pejorative. please don't perpetuate the stereotype. educate yourself on what it really means to be a "gypsy" in this world.

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