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no more tears

i think i have run out of tears....dried up. i made it through an entire day without breaking down....the healing process, i suppose.
i want to thank everyone for giving me some space....even if i have been a little rude. i just need some time to myself....
the hardest part is how much i miss him.... i have never known such a deep pain and longing.... i have this mix of feeling dead inside and feeling like my heart is going to explode...and i feel so shut down. i don't want to be talked to, be touched or even step outside the door.
i am still not answering emails or the phone.... in time....
i am sleeping on the pillow we shared, wrapped in the comforter from his bed, but it brings me little comfort when i am not under it in his arms. if he knew how much i would miss him he would not have left....
i want to take our pillow, our comforter and our memories to a deserted island where it is always sunset and the only sound is the tide..... and i want to stay there until it doesn't hurt anymore.
i still have my darkened moments.....no worries... when i wrote that i didn't want to die but i did not want to go on living either.... i think i meant it is because i don't feel like i am living, or will again. i didn't mean to scare those of you who worried i would follow him.... but i can't say there are not times when i wish i could. probably a good thing i don't believe, as someone commented here, that we are with our loved ones after death.....
the Tibetan Book of the Dead has been my only constant as i feel i have this last responsibility....duty to him, each day to get him through bardo. there are times when i just want to say "fuck you, find your own way through...you put yourself there." but then i am overwhelmed with love and compassion for him....and a sense of dying devotion.....40 days left.....
amazing that i will spend more time grieving for him.....guiding him....than i did living with him.....

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don't fear death
melissamuse
melissa muses (or maia, you choose)

Roma

wandering does not make you a "gypsy."
why would you call yourself
after those who have no home?
long skirts and hoop earrings
do not make you a "gypsy."
why do you call yourself after
those who have no clothes?

"gypsy" is pejorative. please don't perpetuate the stereotype. educate yourself on what it really means to be a "gypsy" in this world.

Who are the Roma?

Decade of Roma Inclusion

Dženo Association

European Roma Rights Centre

Roma Balkans

Roma National Congress

Romani World

Rombase

Rroma

Rroma Media Network

Soros Roma Initiatives

Studii Romani

The European Union and Roma

The Patrin Webjournal: Romani Culture and History

Voice of Roma
World Bank Roma Initiatives

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