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unbearable lightness

ok, after not posting for a year.... not to mention, the posts before then were becoming silly memes, i feel like i am slowly emerging from my hermit's cave. i guess i have lost a bit - no a lot - of control over my life since Chris died, throwing myself completely into work and going back to school to make sure i have no time for me, no time to think, and no time at all to grieve. i've attempted a couple of dates in the last three years, only to find i have absolutely nothing to offer. i was simply going through the motions. i have let friendships wither away, but worse i have let myself wither away.
i took this summer off school and my son has gone out of town to visit his girlfriend. it is the first time since Chris died that i have been alone. i've been forced to face everything from which i have been hiding. the grief and the guilt have faded, but in its place is an anger i don't yet know how to manage. i spent some time today with a friend i have not seen in months, trying to work out what to do next. i know that if i throw myself back into avoiding dealing with my emotions it will only resurface. my life has been work-school-work-home-sleep-work and i have lost me between the hyphens. i needed to talk because i haven't. i needed to cry because i haven't. and now i need to shout and work out my anger. it infuriates me to no end that i have spent more time grieving for him than the time we were together. i call him a selfish bastard to empty air. what is more selfish in its finality than suicide? i understand, i truly do, that life goes on....but what i don't understand is how i will open my heart again to let in some light...
i know i need to slow down and go through the pain if i want to also let the light out again...
baby steps, my mother says i need baby steps to venture into the world again. perhaps reviving my journal and calling an old friend are the first two...
it will take courage and strength not to slip into old habits...

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
jsilence
Jul. 19th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
just stumbled accross you lj....hope you stay close to yourself during the process (if that makes sense)
melissamuse
Jul. 21st, 2005 04:18 am (UTC)
thank you. i have my first therapy session friday..... hopefully it will help :)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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don't fear death
melissamuse
melissa muses (or maia, you choose)

Roma

wandering does not make you a "gypsy."
why would you call yourself
after those who have no home?
long skirts and hoop earrings
do not make you a "gypsy."
why do you call yourself after
those who have no clothes?

"gypsy" is pejorative. please don't perpetuate the stereotype. educate yourself on what it really means to be a "gypsy" in this world.

Who are the Roma?

Decade of Roma Inclusion

Dženo Association

European Roma Rights Centre

Roma Balkans

Roma National Congress

Romani World

Rombase

Rroma

Rroma Media Network

Soros Roma Initiatives

Studii Romani

The European Union and Roma

The Patrin Webjournal: Romani Culture and History

Voice of Roma
World Bank Roma Initiatives

Have a Happy Day! :)

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